starwalker's birthday
by thesocketpuppet
Summary: Garnet wonders if she is Rose's replacement. Pearl wonders how Garnet could love her. This story is complete and posted in full as a one-shot.


**one**

_We'll feel new one day_

_When we find each other I'll say_

_I am born again, today_

/**/

_semblance of security_

/**/

"I'm not Rose," Garnet says, over an empty plate that sits atop a table for two. It's empty because neither of them eat, but the waiter hadn't really understood that they weren't human and left a breadbasket because who ordered nothing in a restaurant? It sold the look of a nervous pair at the cusp of something (the waiter had even thoughtfully added a candle covered in glass) - but that _something_ couldn't be defined.

"Of course you're not Rose," Pearl says, ever the master of denial. She's also got a black belt in _not-getting-it._ Sharp in battle, dull in love. Garnet smashes a surge of annoyance welling in her.

"Why'd you take me here, Pearl?"

It looks like she'll be spending all evening helping Pearl sort out her feelings. Across her, Pearl blinks, lost. The blinking soon devolves into flustered, vague gestures.

"I don't know," Pearl says. "I - I was studying human customs, I wasn't thinking. I mean, we don't even eat and I had this place all reserved."

Pearl 's eyes dart around the restaurant, where other humans are laughing and talking. Wooden tables covered in picnic blankets, candles for lighting, impending sunset at the background: Garnet wonders what Pearl's eyes see. They're not looking at the same picture, probably. Garnet does not need future vision to see what a tooth-pulling experience this is going to be.

Pearl wanted a date. Wants a date.

And she wants, for that matter, any semblance of security from a leader, the same damned way she needed Rose.

Across Garnet, Pearl squawks out a bunch of words about not being sure, just wanting some time off from the kids, et cetera, et cetera. Garnet's eyes would soften at how easily Pearl loses her cool, but today it just makes her come off as insensitive. Which is what Pearl is, frequently.

Ruby, at the edge of her consciousness, is angry. Sapphire finds the entire thing silly. And Garnet, neither Ruby nor Sapphire - Garnet hurts with enough pain for her to slam a fist on the table. It's a good thing they're outside the restaurant.

"I'm not Rose," Garnet says again. "Figure it out, Pearl." She stands up, resists kicking the folding chair, walks down the steps of the beachside restaurant (all cozy and perfect for watching the sun set across the horizon). The wind tickles against her face, the waves crash eternally on the shore, the sands crunch under the weight of her gait: all of it takes her farther away from Pearl, but they do not block out the crushing weight of being someone else's ghost in the eyes of a person she's become too attached to.

The brilliant sunset may as well be a dead star over a dead world. She's seen enough of those in her lifetime.

/**/

Garnet snaps at Pearl and Amethyst for the next few missions. She refuses to let Steven tag along, and lets the other two sort out the boiling pressure in their home. She almost wishes she could come to blows with someone over this. The missions are hardly a relief.

Instead she finds herself by the beach, more often than not, wondering what Rose saw in the darkness of this planet's long evenings. Once she sat with Amethyst on the sands, neither of them talking about what plagued them. They made sand castles, as they saw the human children make. And then they both stomped on their castles. And they both, with a shared look, agreed not to talk about it ever.

"She's been staring at Rose's portrait all fucking day," Amethyst had reported needlessly. "Creeper."

Garnet intended to exhale, but a grunt came out instead.

"I hate it when she acts like no one is ever going to... measure up. Like it's never going to be okay. Like we never lost _her_, either." Her, that is, Rose.

"Pearl will come 'round." Garnet had said, the balance of two personalities giving her an even tone. "Give her a few thousand years, she can be a little slow."

Amethyst had guffawed. Rolled around in the sands. Got sand in her hair and shapeshifted it out by turning into a lion and shaking her mighty mane. Amethyst had made her smile, that Garnet had to admit.

/**/

_idle thoughts_

/**/

That was a strange night. Before Pearl had asked her out on a not-date, knowing that she was made of Ruby and Sapphire was enough. The human concept of loneliness couldn't apply to her. She could feel the two of them floating around within her mind, tangled and fused and muddled up, making her who she is.

But a few TV sessions and she finds herself wondering: she has Sapphire's curiosity and Ruby's passion. Parts of it add up to anger and desperation and fantasies of what a relationship could be like as Garnet. But in Pearl's mind, she knows the question is more like: what could a relationship be like with Rose.

/**/

She's punching the air like she's seen in those kung-fu movies on the evening that Pearl walks up to her.

It's almost dawn. There's fog on the beach, sure to ruin the romantic plans of tourist couples.

Garnet says nothing. She instead mimics a Shaolin flying kick. It's an interesting style, but not really hers.

"Careful, there," Pearl says. Still Garnet does not face her.

Punch. Kick. Overhead cut with an imaginary stick. This is childish of her. Definitely not something Rose would do.

"I've been a - a jerk lately," Pearl says, trying on another Earth word. "And I can't even do these human things right."

"Hardly a surprise," Garnet says. She's run out of moves. She should have watched that Tai Chi class. It would have given her something to do that didn't involve violently shaking Pearl. "You only stayed here because of Rose."  
The agitated sound of the sand underneath Pearl gives her away. Even without seeing her, Garnet can tell she's cut quite as deep as that sword from that movie last night.

"Maybe I did, at first."

"Are you going to leave us?" Garnet turns. Why did she ask that question? And why is Pearl sitting on the sand?

_Why does Pearl look so small?_

"Where did that come from?"

"My idle thoughts."

"I'd never do that."

"I wondered what would happen to us after Rose left. Sometimes I wonder again."

Pearl pats the ground next to her. Garnet sits down. She wants to pound the sand, wishes she could summon her gauntlets. Sitting next to Pearl, she can't hear her mind so clearly.

"When I asked you out," Pearl begins. "What gave you the impression I thought of Rose?"

"There's been no one else in your life," Garnet replies, after a while. Not quite true. Not quite false. But damn Pearl if she was going to speak of it.

"And you think you're... just a replacement?"

"Is it _just_ what I think or is it the truth?"

Pearl looks at her. The edges of her eyes quiver. "A bit of both, I think. I always had the data. I never knew what to do with it."

Garnet would hold Pearl's hand if she weren't so screwed in her head. Both Ruby and Sapphire are screaming, or maybe they're not, or maybe it's Garnet that's entirely in pieces. Maybe Pearl should be the one to scoop her up, the fragments of herself lost in the sands. Lost in the fog. Lost in the morning.

"When you hold my arm," Garnet says. "I try not to think anything of it."

It's Pearl who holds her hand in the sand. Her thin fingers rest on top of Garnet's. Pearl tilts her head to her right, facing the taller woman. "I wish you'd take those damn sunglasses off."

Garnet does not oblige.

It's cold with the fog. It's warm where their fingers touch. She isn't going to move an inch.

"I don't think of you as a replacement," Pearl says. She closes her eyes, shakes her head. "Or maybe I do, just a little. You... make me feel safe. And wanted."

"One step up from Rose," Garnet mutters, before she can stop herself.

"You're the one comparing yourself."

"I'm not the one staring at Rose's picture all day."

Pearl clenches Garnet's hand in hers. "I'm trying," she says. "Not to think _'but if Rose were here'._ It's not fair to you. Or - or Steven."

_No,_ Garnet thinks. _It really isn't fair._

She could say: _it really hurts._

Not a very Garnet thing to admit.

"I'm not really sure what else I came here to say. Except that Steven and Amethyst have a vague idea something's wrong with us and we've been taking it out on them."

_Very unfair,_ Garnet knows. She could explode with all the things she wants to do and wants to know. She could pulverize sand with the pressure of what cooks in her head.

"Damn it," she says softly. "Dance with me."

They get up. It's not the same kind of dance like they used to, with their quiet amusement at how they fit each other's steps. Garnet holds Pearl too close, spins her tight, trying to tell her: this is how you make me feel. Pearl matches her step for step, her face sharp with concentration, every form on point, cutting Garnet in how Pearl reveals nothing. Twirl - waltz - a step here - a turn there - their bodies come together in a tight press, Garnet's hand on Pearl's back, Pearl's face tilted up to her - and the moment ends and their bodies separate -

The dance ends with a much rougher slam into a rock. Pearl carries a hint of a coy smile on her face. Her hair is slightly mussed from their dance. Garnet wants to sweep those blonde tendrils away from Pearl's face, just as she wants to sweep Pearl off her damn feet without the shadow of anything looming over her.

For Garnet towers over Pearl, but may as well be on her knees when it comes to the pale dancer. Both of them are breathing hard, even if there is no need for them to breathe. Puffs of air hover and dissipate for a moment.  
Again she feels the sting of cold fog around her cheeks. And also she feels this surge of loneliness, in the fog, unable to know what Pearl really feels, or what Pearl really sees in her.

It's Pearl's move, it really is.

Below Garnet, the blonde gem tiptoes at the same time her hands reach out for Garnet's cheek. Those hands tell her: _give in._

Garnet closes her eyes and lets herself be kissed. When Pearl tugs at her, she can't say no, not when Pearl's hands shift to hold her own, guiding them to wrap around Pearl's waist.

They kiss in the fog, their fingers knowing what their eyes can't see, Pearl's hands on her face, her hands wrapped around Pearl. And although Garnet doesn't realize it, she holds onto Pearl like she's adrift after a storm, lost at sea.

She doesn't want this to stop. She doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want to know. All she wants is this: Pearl's lips meeting hers, her face caged within Pearl's hands, the tips of Pearl's fingers at the edges of her hair. And her own frame wrapping Pearl's thinner body, the heat between them, how solid Pearl is underneath her, the feel of waist and neck, the spaces she wants to fill so badly between them. The chance is right there in front of her.

They go on kissing; softly at first, then harder and deeper, each of them matching the want of the other.

* * *

**two**

_How could a heart like yours_

_Ever love a heart like mine?_

_\- Williamette Stone_

_/**/_

_universe of one_

_/**/_

They don't talk about it, which is so typically Garnet.

_It,_ being the morning they spent kissing like human teenagers hopped on an unregulated flow of hormones. Pearl shudders to think that Steven will enter that period of development, but maybe it won't be as awful as all the television shows portray it.

Again her thoughts are all over the place. There's no peace to be had within her room. Not when there's nothing to distract her from her memories. It's too quiet. Too meditative. Too contemplative. Too dead.

Although she's never told Amethyst this, she envies the younger gem her ability to sleep. Steven always looked so peaceful when he did (and probably still does, only that she can't watch him anymore). Steven (dressed in gem clothes, oddly enough), Garnet and Amethyst all mix in her head, visions of their Homeworld, the stars she knew, the proud pillars and vast, glittering landscape of their galaxy. They're all of a lifetime that doesn't exist.

Pearl looks at her flickering reflection in the water. She hovers just above the water that she's commanded to stand still. And then she allows herself to fall within the water, making a hollow splash, sending out waves of water cascading down. It's all artificial, unlike the waves at the beach outside.

She stays submerged, her eyes closed, not breathing. Her hair fans out, wrapped up in the blue of the water. The water is only blue because she wills it. The lighting is only enchanting because she made it that way.

With a flicker of her wrist, the waterfall starts again. This is her tiny universe, where she's in control of things. Her head emerges from the water. She raises her hands and then dips a finger into the surface, then lifts it. A figure of Garnet, made of water, emerges. With a few other dips, she's created herself and the beach house.

_Garnet thinks she knows everything._

Pearl knows for a fact that Garnet does not. Future vision does not see so far. And Pearl guesses (intelligently) that Garnet hasn't used it for this.

She hasn't used it for _us_, if _us_ exists at all.

Her water figures hold hands as they go into their home.

The truth was that their torrid teenager makeout session ended with both of them sitting on the sands and utterly unable to talk. Until Steven showed up with Connie and they quickly resumed their caretaker roles: Pearl fussed over lunch, Garnet went off to do whatever it is she had to do.

That was stupid of them, really. Two days in, and she still doesn't know how to tell Garnet this isn't (entirely) about Rose. She thinks about the trite lessons from the teen shows Amethyst indulges in, things like _talking about it_ \- oh yes, it is very easy to talk about the complicated relationship between soldiers and leaders in a war thousands of years ago. Sixteen year old children with limited memory spans had it easy. That, and they didn't have to worry about whether _all parts_ of their preferred partner liked them back too, or if they could even sort out their own feelings and memories, stacked lifetime upon lifetime, each heavier than the last. Hunk Hogan from Rich Human High should try caring for someone made of two other identities, Pearl thinks to herself. That would give him something to worry about more than choosing between Sweet and Poor or Bitter and Rich. The competition was never Garnet and Rose, but - but Pearl cuts off that thought.

The figures have long dissolved back into water with her wandering mind.

Yes, she misses Rose.

No, Garnet is not Rose.

Yes, it must be annoying to constantly hear her prattle about how great Rose was.

She's surprised Steven doesn't hate her for it. And she shouldn't be surprised that Amethyst and Garnet are suffering over it.

She hates it when she finishes thinking things out here. She frequently has to admit to herself she's terrible. Rose entrusted her with Steven's upbringing. And she'd been behaving no better than Hunk Hogan.

Pearl lets herself fall into the water. The light grows dim and gentle. Bubbles float up.

On the floor, wrapped up in water, she closes her eyes.

She wonders if she'll dream of how things were before. Holding onto Garnet's arm was a recent step for her feelings in that direction. She misses that, just the chance to touch Garnet. But what she misses the most is the chance to share - making dinner together, or planning out missions, or just fussing over nothing in particular. That was what she loved about her and Garnet. They didn't understand all the human things, but they understood each other. Had each other's backs, in this strange world full of life.

And Garnet has always protected them. Her, too. She'd like it if for once she could... do the protecting.

_Are you going to leave us?_

_I'd never do that._

What if she were offered the stars? She had very nearly lost Steven in that. When did Garnet mean more to her than the universe? When did her universe shrink down into Earth? And how did she become so content with that?

On the floor, Pearl tries to sleep.

She knows that when she wakes up, the first thing she will do is talk to Garnet.

/**/

_safe star harbor_

/**/

She hears Amethyst and Steven after an indeterminate amount of time. Through the water, their voices are loud.

"She hasn't come out in three days!"

_Three days?_

She splashes out of the water and jumps to them, all wet with her hair tangled out. She very nearly misses her footing, is careless enough that she tumbles a bit.

"Where's Garnet?" she screams.

"Sulking," Amethyst says, grinning at her loss of composure. "What'd mom and dad fight about this time, huh?"

"Amethyst! We are Gems, not humans! You're watching too much Modern Habitat!" She says this almost out of habit, not sure she means it anymore.

"Um," Steven interjects, "I'm pretty sure you've got the title wrong."

"Either way," Pearl says, shaking the water out of her hair, "It's... nothing."

"It's not nothing, Garnet's all stiff ever since you disappeared into your room. And you look miserable." Normally Amethyst would gloat, but her tone here is... flat.

Steven hugs her. "The two of you shouldn't fight," he admonishes. Not surprisingly he sounds like Rose. The physical contact jars Pearl out of whatever it is she's been wallowing in.

"No," she says. "We shouldn't fight." Whatever visions she's had of a future that'll never happen, of a lifetime she's left, of the stars she used to travel to, what she has now is real. And important. And she's always looked for someone to hold onto, safe harbor like she wishes she could be for Steven. She sort of gets what Garnet was trying to say: _it's not enough to just try._

And for fuck's sake, don't use her to get over Rose.

The guilt is what she's been trying to sleep off. She wonders if that's a human thing. She hasn't seen anyone try it yet.

She breathes in and suddenly smells something not unpleasant. She blinks and suddenly she's been seated at the breakfast counter. The kids must have pushed her here.

"Earth to Pearl?" Amethyst tries.

"It's black tea!" Steven says, nudging this mug in front of her. "And... you like tea. You can smell it. Might help."

"It's very... helpful," Pearl says.

"So?"

"What."

"Talk to us! We want to help!" Steven nudges Amethyst, who would not, in ten thousand years, say that to Pearl.

"I'm just here to watch another episode of Dysfunctional Gem Family," Amethyst replies.

"She's worried too," Steven tries to interpret.

"I appreciate that," Pearl says, without an ounce of irony. Hand to her cheek, she allows herself the human custom of pointlessly stirring liquid in a mug, watching the tea swirl.

"Garnet and I need to talk," she says after a few revolutions of the spoon.

"What did you fight over?"

"It was my fault," Pearl says. "Sometimes I just don't know how to say things. And she's not much of a help either. And my mind's a mess. And we should have talked it out before we..." She was definitely not saying to Steven or Amethyst that they kissed. "We had a confrontation."

"That's normal for the older gem generation," Amethyst explains to Steven with a wink of the eye. "They're kinda stiff an' old fashioned. Gotta fight it out." Pearl does not correct the assumption that she and Garnet fought. The truth was not something she could say out loud to them, not at the moment. The microwave finishes - not that Pearl noticed till now - and out pops... popcorn. Amethyst makes a huge show of shoving the snack in her face.

It's how Amethyst cares, Pearl knows, but it doesn't stop the blonde gem from rolling her eyes.

"Any ideas where Garnet is?"

"Try the harbor," Amethyst says.

"Can you two... let us alone for the afternoon?"

"Sure, it's not like there's any monsters hangin' around."

"I'll be sure to thank them for their courtesy," Pearl says wryly. But she smiles at Amethyst and Steven, pats Steven's hair, even, before going out the door.

/**/

"Hey," Pearl says. At the very end of the quay sits Garnet. Birds chirp, the waves crash, the afternoon sky is wide.

Garnet doesn't turn her head or give any acknowledgement that she's heard.

"You haven't been sitting here like a rock for three days, have you?"

"Only since the evening."

"Are you sure? There are birds in your hair." It's a gesture she can't help, removing the nest from Garnet's head and setting it on a pole, then brushing off some remaining twigs.

Pearl sits down next to Garnet, doesn't mind the lack of a response. She can feel the taller woman tense up, which is quite a skill, for Garnet is always rigid and still, like a rock.

"I still find it strange you like me after all," Pearl confesses.

"I didn't say that."

"No, but you're upset that Rose might mean more. That implies that you do like me."

No response. No change in expression. What a storm there must be inside Garnet. Pearl understands that, though she can't imagine how it might be playing out with Garnet being made of Ruby and Sapphire.

Pearl keeps her gaze at the water beneath them. This water, that she can't control. This universe, which isn't hers. This world, where she could be rejected. Where she perhaps would deserve to be rejected. This is the real world. When Garnet doesn't speak, Pearl sighs.

She dips a toe _en pointe_ into the water. "You know, for the longest time I felt we were going to lose. During the war, I mean. We didn't exactly win, when you think about it."

Garnet doesn't reply.

"But we're both alive and - it's true, I think a lot about Rose. But that doesn't mean I don't think of you, either. Or Amethyst, or Steven."

She keeps talking, even though it feels like she's trying to communicate with some immovable star. "And I think about you a lot."

Pearl sucks in a deep breath. "You're you. And you're... wonderful. And you're strong. Not like Amethyst or Steven or... Rose. But, well, strong in your own way. And this isn't about me being needy or looking for a replacement or... comparing then and now. When I look at the past I still see all the stars I used to know. I still remember Homeworld. But you, and Amethyst, and Steven, and Greg... you're all my present. And maybe we could be our future. Maybe. I don't have your eyes."

Old fashioned gems, old fashioned talk. She imagines Amethyst with a score board. She gets a zero for this whole thing, with a bonus roll of the eyes. And she gets negative points for always bringing up the others.

"My eyes don't see everything," Garnet says. The taller gem looks at her. "Do you still think we lost?"

Pearl shakes her head. "No," she says, thinking of their family. _Gems don't have families_, Pearl thinks. But she does. They do. Modern Habitat. That's them.

"When we kissed," Garnet says. "It made this world feel as good as it is inside me," she says. "Like we won for something."

"That," Pearl says, "I can understand. The whole 'it might have been worth it'. I feel that way when I see Steven, sometimes." She chuckles. "But feeling as good outside you as within you - I'm glad I can do that to you," she says drily. "I can only say it was the best thing a defective Pearl could feel. I've no..." Pearl pauses, searching for the right word, "previous experience to compare with, well, being made of love."

She grins wryly at Garnet's direction. To her surprise Garnet looks back. The intensity of Garnet's gaze, visible through her shades, makes her look away.

"I don't really know what else I could say to reassure you," Pearl says, trying to shake off Garnet's stare. "Pearls aren't really made to process feelings," she says. "I only know what I feel for you, and I wouldn't use you like that."

"They call it a rebound. Humans, I mean."

Garnet gives nothing away with her voice. Pearl doesn't know how to take her words. She doesn't seem to be getting through to Garnet. Pearls were not made for this sort of thing. Just as she opens her mouth to apologize for the whole thing, Garnet speaks again.

"It hurt like a bitch to think of being used. But it hurts me more that you think you're not capable of love."

"It's a possibility I should have kept in mind," Pearl mutters darkly. "It was selfish of me to do this to you."

"You know what love is," Garnet says, before Pearl can beat a hasty retreat. "You followed Rose here, didn't you?"

Pearl wonders if her heart will ever match the size of Garnet's, for the gem's ability to comfort using a subject she knows still stings.

Garnet pushes her closer, until her head rests atop Garnet's shoulder. She feels Garnet's hand wrap around her tiny body, wishes she could lace their fingers together. Warmth bubbles up from within her, spreading even to her toes.

"I believe you," Garnet says. "Well, I want to believe you. That you know what you feel."

"I'm not asking you to," Pearl says, unable to weave through her muddled feelings. "I won't hold it against you if you don't." She's in some kind of fog, borne of both the comfort Garnet has always given her, and her own amorphous fears. Garnet is pulling her up from the quicksand in her mind, because that's just the kind of person Garnet is. She resists the urge to flee; she's supposed to be brave, too.

Garnet shifts and they break apart, just a bit. They're still much closer than earlier, their thighs touching.

"Seems to me we're making this harder than it has to be," Garnet murmurs. "I've been pretty dumb about this too."

"That's kind of our thing, isn't it."

"I could show you," Garnet starts. "how it feels within me. Ah, I want to. Damn the past, anyway." She pauses, awkwardly, a rare sight, and rarer still is the slight darkening of her cheeks. "Whatever baggage there is, doesn't erase how we feel. So. Yeah. I could show you."

"If you like," Pearl says back, momentarily too shy to say _yes, please, give me a chance._

Didn't she just tell herself to have a backbone?

"If you like," Pearl says again. "Give me a chance."

Garnet is quiet, her gaze towards the horizon. "I already said I could," she says smoothly, her way of recovering for her previous stammer. It lifts them both up from the heaviness of the past few days, the doubts that weigh them down.

Pearl smiles. She isn't fooled for a second with whatever bravado Garnet's poker face affords her. Garnet gives up and their smiles widen into grins and then soft laughter, tinkling out into the afternoon air. Without warning, Pearl tackles Garnet, takes her down into the icky harbor water. Without the need to breathe, they sink with a splash into the deep, the cold water waking them, telling them: this isn't a dream. Underneath Garnet, caught in a tangle, Pearl thinks with the clarity of five thousand years that this may not last, but the thought floats far away from her as she presses her lips to Garnet's.

_(When they finally surface, Garnet admits: "Been sitting here since the evening... you disappeared into your room." _

_Pearl doesn't laugh. She plucks out seaweed from Garnet's hair. They walk through town sopping wet, holding hands._

_And for that afternoon, the weight of uncertainty doesn't pull either of them down.)_

* * *

**three**

/**/

_terra incognita_

There are times when it is easy to believe Pearl - when Pearl holds her hand and feels for her gem, when the morning light streams through Steven's room and she watches Pearl make breakfast though she never eats, when they work together during missions. It's easy when they lie together in Pearl's room, amusing themselves with their forms, feeling each other, kissing and touching and nuzzling. On some days, she isn't sure how she could doubt Pearl.

And on other days, she wonders to herself if she is good enough. If Pearl looks at her because she's Garnet. Not because she's the one who took over.

Pearl notices these things, Garnet knows. On those days, she's both shy and too clingy, her hugs too tight and too short. Neither of them are good at this.

/**/

They go on a mission on one of the battlefields. Like plenty of other warzones, time has turned this place into a field of flowers. Half buried beneath the earth is a gem ship in partial disrepair. Rose piloted this ship once, Garnet remembers. It's all pink and bright and shiny, shards of crystal technology everywhere. Their steps _clink _against the surface as they go deep into the ship. Artificial gem lights flicker on above them as they pass through the corridor.

"Woah, dude," Amethyst says. "Totally wish I was there." She starts to make pew pew noises to cover up the silence. Steven's humming a song. And Pearl, who'd normally explain what all the glyphs on the walls mean - Pearl is silent, and it's making Garnet uncomfortable. Sad, if she were brave enough to think about it. They both loved Rose. She doesn't like herself when she feels jealous. This is unbecoming of all the things the Crystal Gems had been through.

But, damn it, she just wants to end the mission and hold Pearl and give her back the words Pearl spoke: I'm right here, I'm your present, I want to be your future. A sideways glance at Pearl shows a carefully neutral face. Is it for Garnet's benefit she's not rattling off about the past?

They make it to the end of the central hallway. An open circular space opens up ahead, leading to four doors, brightly lit like the rest of the ship.

They step into the space and a rectangular control box erupts from the floor, ahead of a door that starts to glow pink.

"Rose Quartz," Garnet says automatically. Steven steps up. She nods. He slams his palm down on the flat surface of the panel, the sound of it echoing in the quiet.

Nothing happens.

He starts to poke himself in various places. Nothing happens.

He starts to sweat. Nothing happens.

"Pearl," Garnet says, curt enough for Pearl to get the idea. "You know how to open this door."

Pearl walks over to the control panel, not quite looking at Garnet. "Steven," she says, kneeling to face the boy, "What's your favorite ice cream?"

"Uh... Cookie Cat?" He says, suddenly thrown off by the change in subject. There's a soft smile on Pearl's face. Even Amethyst isn't butting into this, whatever this is. They both watch as Pearl asks Steven questions about himself: his favorite book series, where he lives, his favorite meal of the day. Steven treats it like another game, a trivia game, his voice getting louder and louder as he answers every question.

He says: "I love the No Home Boys!"

He says: "I live in Beach City!"

He says: "Breakfast is the best time of the day!"

"And who are you?"

"I'm Steven Quartz Universe!"

And then he slams the palm again, much stronger than before, and this time the door opens.

He runs for it, passing through easily. Amethyst runs to follow, but a forcefield blows her back, just at the threshold of the door.

Another control panel erupts from the floor, maroon and adjusted to Garnet's height.

"That's yours, Garnet. We have to do this in order," Pearl says.

Garnet's shades hide her surprise at Pearl's tone - she can't read Pearl. And Pearl is never difficult to read, except when Garnet feels like she's slipping away.

"What do I do?"

"Just put your hand there on the panel. It will work."

And it does. Another door opens. Amethyst and Pearl follow, activating their doors.

"Each door converges into the central control deck. We'll be fine." Pearl disappears down her own corridor. Amethyst shrugs and goes with it. Garnet nods at Steven.

Pearl was Rose Quartz's confidant. This ship is none of Garnet's business. She could use her future vision, revisit every future to find out all the answers to Pearl's mysterious behavior. But does she want to know, anyway? It makes her want to smash something. They'll find their gem monster soon enough. She can feel it.

/**/

They subdue the gem monster and bubble it back into the temple. Then they warp back home, have dinner, play a few board games. Garnet breaks two figurines, which makes one of the board games unplayable. She exercises more restraint for the rest of the evening, taking the pressure building within her out on the furniture.

She breaks the wood at the back of the sofa with her fingers, pretending to be lounging around as they play another game. She feels the splinters at her fingertips. The evening wears on, until it's finally time for Steven to sleep. Amethyst disappears into her room for the night, until Pearl is left to clean up the board games while Garnet watches.

"Pearl," Garnet says. She frowns at the shortness of her own voice. Tries again, gentler this time: "Pearl, could we talk outside?"

Pearl pauses for a moment from putting away the squished figurines and the boards and the pieces. Without looking at Garnet, she says, "Sure."

They walk outside, far away from the house, at the edge of the beach where the fence once sat. Leaning against the cool rock, they're quiet for a while, not too close, not too far from each other.

Pearl breaks the silence. "Are you okay?"

"You're the one that's been quiet all day."

"I'm not the one pulverizing sand with my hands." Pearl's eyes see straight through her shades, shoot straight into her.

Garnet exhales. Lifts her fist and watches her fingers crush sand into nothing. "Why didn't the door open for Steven the first time?"

Pearl's head swivels away. She looks into the distance. White surf crashes onto the shore.

"The doors only open for those who know who they are." Pearl leans against the rock and closes her eyes. "Steven... thinks too much that he _has _to measure up as Rose Quartz. To put it bluntly, he doesn't think he _can _be Steven. He thinks he's Rose's replacement. He just needed to be reminded. That he isn't Rose Quartz."

If Garnet's teeth were not an illusion, they'd hurt from the pressure of her clenching her jaw. She chuckles without any mirth. "We're bad at this."

"I'd like to think we're getting better. It's funny, really. I didn't realize it still worked. The test, I mean. It was used to keep spies out, you know. Since they can't admit who they are while they're in _enemy territory._"

Brilliant tactic, Garnet thinks. Classic Rose. A subtle and elegant solution that didn't require an ounce of violence.

"You did well today," she says.

"I thought you were mad at me."

Garnet never wants to be the reason for that expression on Pearl's face. Or the smallness of her voice.

"No, just irrationally insecure." Garnet takes off her shades, trying to soften her face. She wills the shades to blip out of existence. "Sorry."

She wasn't expecting Pearl to be the one to remind Steven to be himself. But of course she would. Too much has happened. Things _have _changed.

To her surprise, Pearl leans on her. "Is this okay?" she asks, drawing up sharply again when Garnet's shoulders jump at the contact.

Garnet wraps an arm around her. "More than okay." She presses a kiss on Pearl's forehead. "Today's my turn to be stupid," she says.

Out of the blue, she nearly says: I love you.

The words come unbidden from her mind, ready to jump out of her throat. When Pearl eases towards her, she puts a hand to her mouth, to keep from saying anything.

She wants to say it, as a salve. As some kind of offering to be laid on Pearl's feet. As some kind of hug. Some kind of response that even if they have fucked up, with each other and Amethyst and Steven, they'll make it through. She wants the words to breach the distance between past hurts and better futures.

But intent isn't enough. She has to be patient. Just because she lobs the words over the air between them doesn't mean Pearl will take them the right way. She's more likely to stiffen, to feel pressured to have to say something she's not ready to say yet. So no, Garnet will not say it.

Pearl's fingers ghost over the gem on her hand. Watching their fingers move, feeling their legs touch: it takes Garnet a moment to recognize the happiness she feels, that she's here with Pearl and they have a shot at making things better.

Ah, she's got it bad.

Ah, she doesn't mind. Pearl's probably got it just as bad as she has. And one day they'll both know it.

_/**/_

_we're only alive once_

_/**/_

Garnet finds herself smiling in the middle of the day following that evening. Amethyst has already freaked out once at her smiling as she reclines on the couch. She'd smiled then as Amethyst peeked out from under the breakfast table. Watching Amethyst's eyes go round had been priceless. And hearing Amethyst scamper out the door, slamming the door and shaking the house, had been the icing on the cake.

And now it is very hard to keep her hands off Pearl. It doesn't help that Pearl's always been the clingy type. Now Garnet wants to touch her back. More than that: Garnet wants to pin Pearl somewhere - anywhere - and bury herself in the shorter gem. It's a feeling she can't shake off. The sudden sensory overload has pushed all her fears down. Now it's all kissing when the kids are asleep, long evenings in Pearl's room, feeling Pearl's ass in the morning -

It doesn't help that Pearl keeps telling her it's welcome, in the evenings they're alone. She says it's fine in the long, languorous looks, in how her fingers touch Garnet's arm, in how she nestles on Garnet's lap after a long day. Against the background of water falling in the bluest room of the Crystal Temple, it feels like a dream to wrap her arms around the smaller gem. It feels like a dream to have the right to tilt Pearl's cheek upwards to kiss her.

Pearl's affections make her wild, make her careless, and erode what she's always thought of as herself. She knows affection does this, that things change. She's been made of love for thousands of years, but Pearl makes her feel like she's falling in love for the first time. It surprises her that the knowledge of a previous, all consuming love does not blot out the intensity of a new relationship. It's the pleasantest surprise she's known, and she's known plenty of those. She can feel both Ruby and Sapphire in utter sync in their happiness over this.

(And while she thinks of all of this, an entire afternoon goes by without her moving an inch from the couch. The only giveaway might be the twitch of her lips, unable to decide if smiling is too much or not enough.

She wants to laugh. Maybe even do a cartwheel. But she'd rather not freak the kids out more than she already has.)

/**/

"Love is strange," she says to Greg, on one of the days he visits. It's been a few months now since she and Pearl started dating, as humans call it. She's rather proud of her self-control.

They're watching Steven practice summoning his shield as Amethyst pummels him with those toy guns that eject foam pellets the size of tennis balls. They don't notice Amethyst cheating with two guns, mercilessly pounding the smaller boy while laughing her ass off on the beach sands.

"It's not s'pposed to make sense," Greg says, over the distant din of Amethyst and Steven. "It's a big mystery."

She asks a question that surprises even herself, before she can stop herself. "Were you ever insecure in your relationship with Rose?"

It's a stupid question to ask, since that last mission in the ship.

Greg shoots her a measured gaze, sitting on his deckchair. "You mean, did I ever think that Rose loved me less because she loved the world?"

"Your question has the answer," Garnet says. "One love does not cancel out the other."

"Or make the other any less. Or more."

Garnet nods.

"But it's a different thing if someone's being used, of course," Greg says, carrying on. "But I don't think we have anything to worry about. Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Garnet sits very still on her deck chair. "When Pearl looks at you, she looks _at you_, y'know what I mean? Kind of always has. Have a little faith." He smiles at her, with genuine fondness and stars in his eyes.

Garnet allows herself a smile. A human comforting a gem. Rose would be amused. But it's the truth. _Have some faith_ \- in both Pearl and in herself.

"Dad! Garnet! Amethyst's cheating!"

Steven's laughing anyway as Amethyst pelts him with those foam bullets. He's doing much better than those days after the gem ship. Garnet shapeshifts her hands large enough to pick them both up, causing Steven to laugh more at being so high up.

"It's time for lunch," she says, knowing that Pearl's been working on some recipe for Steven all morning.

_/**/_

_brakes_

_/**/_

If Pearl's gestures of encouragement are the breaking of the dam, Greg's words are the rainfall over the lake. Alone with Pearl, Garnet wonders how much longer before her affections pour over, how much longer till she can't stop the deluge.

"Ah, Garnet," Pearl groans as Garnet bears down upon her neck, biting and licking, hurting and soothing.

Garnet feels Pearl's palms gently press at her shoulder blades. They sit up. Pearl's all out of breath that she doesn't even need, blushing so hard that her entire face is blue. Behind Pearl is a curtain of water; she'd willed into existence a four-poster bed where instead of drapes, water cascaded down the top of the bed.

Pearl's chest is exposed, her shirt probably floating somewhere. Garnet drinks in the shape of Pearl's breasts hungrily, wanting to lick those nipples with the flat of her tongue. It doesn't help that the smaller gem is so out of breath her entire frame is shaking.

"Can we just... lie down for now?"

Garnet wordlessly acquiesces.

"Sorry," Pearl murmurs, her back to Garnet. The taller gem finds herself looking at Pearl's slender neck, at all the marks she's left.

They're quiet but for the water and their heavy breathing. They're quiet for a long time. Eventually Pearl's breathing evens out. As does Garnet's, but she doesn't really notice.

"Sorry," Pearl exhales. "I just needed to calm down a bit."

She still hasn't faced Garnet.

"Not good?"

Pearl turns to face Garnet, her head nuzzling under Garnet's chin. Garnet shifts to wrap her arm around Pearl.

"It's very good," Pearl says in that soothing tone of hers, slightly muffled by her mouth being just above Garnet's own chest. Garnet can feel her opening her mouth and closing it.

She isn't talking.

_Have a little faith._

Garnet waits.

"It's strange to say we're going a little fast," Pearl finally says. When Garnet does not answer, she continues talking. "Or maybe not so strange, considering that our lives could go on, theoretically, for thousands of years. If we were to scale a human courtship ritual to our lifespans, we could wait a few thousand years before we did, uh, _it._"

"How many centuries before our second date?"

"Well," Pearl says, waltzing through the awkward conversation, "our average lifespans measured around maybe ten, twenty millenia owing to war. Without war, it's a lot harder to compute. I'd have to extrapolate based on -"

"You don't want this, do you?" Garnet does not often interrupt someone talking. Out of habit, her hands tense up, squeezing Pearl, who squawks.

Garnet releases her immediately. She expects Pearl to move away, but the pale gem stays in place. They're quiet for a beat.

"I've never really had anything like this," Pearl says.

_She doesn't know what to do_, Garnet realizes. Pearl thinks about averages and normal patterns. She thinks of what should be, relies on an external order. This is swimming in waters she's never known. And when you've swam in a pool for thousands of years and are let out into an ocean -

Garnet tilts Pearl's cheek upwards. Pearl averts her eyes.

"We don't have to rush it," she says.

"It's strange how you think you can do it, until it's right in front of you. I didn't mean to suddenly, ah, push the brakes. Like this."

Garnet presses a kiss to Pearl's forehead. "We have all the time in the world for practice," she says, hoping it is true.

/**/

Their bed conversations tend to continue at random times, sometimes when they're baking or cooking or walking down the beach. The only constant is that Pearl only talks about them when the children are out of earshot.

"Technically we don't have all the time in the world," Pearl says, looking up at the sky. "We could be invaded any day now."

Garnet practices breathing in from those television shows she watched at six in the morning. Supposedly some timings of inhaling and exhaling were better. And also: it keeps her face still, gives nothing away.

"I should probably hurry up," Pearl says, now looking at the sea. In fact, Pearl will probably exhaust the inventory of her landscape before looking at Garnet.

Garnet sits down on a rock. It's the evening, Steven and Amethyst are tucked into bed, Lion is protecting them. She knows that Pearl is lost, but also that her style of guidance might be a little excessive. After all, she did squeeze Pearl and Amethyst over the whole secret team thing.

Since that night, Garnet has redoubled her efforts not to be too overwhelming. Pearl doesn't mind most of the other things - making out, sitting on her lap, being held - but she's since kept her shirt on.

Pearl says: "I wish you'd say something."

"We'll do it when we're ready to," Garnet says. "We, not me."

"Why do you even want it though?" Garnet turns to face Pearl, who is maybe looking at the ship in the distance.

She has no idea how to take the question. "How do you mean?"

"You're made of love," Pearl says. "You're complete. In yourself. Why? Why me?" And, unable to stop herself, Pearl says: "You don't need me."

_/**/_

_only love can hurt like this_

_/**/_

There it is, she's said it. Of course. She could never keep her mouth shut. Garnet frets over past loves. Pearl does, too, but not for the same reason. For she couldn't compete with Greg, and she can't possibly make Ruby or Sapphire - constituent parts of Garnet - happier with her than they would with each other. In human terms, her relationship with Garnet is a bit of a third wheel. As far as she understands third wheels.

All of this she pours out, hoping the stream of words will erase the mention of being, well, unneeded. Why had she even said that? Entirely unnecessary.

"I mean," she says, getting lost in her own words, "If Ruby or Sapphire were to date someone, they'd date each other, right?" She waves her unheld hand for good measure. Actually she's been doing that for the whole conversation. Maybe she should let go of Garnet's hand in case she can no longer fend off the tears. She could run off way faster that way.

But Garnet holds tighter, tugs at it a bit, getting her attention. Brings Pearl's hand to her thick lips and kisses the fingers there.

"I am not Ruby or Sapphire," she says.

"I wonder if you fight over whether to ... be with me," Pearl says, blushing out of embarrassment.

"We don't. We don't always separate in that way. My thoughts are Garnet's thoughts. Sometimes I think this part of me is more Ruby, or this thought is more Sapphire. But I am neither of them, and they are not me."

Pearl, all the fight out of her, stops flapping her hand in the air. "Yes, I know Gestalt. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts because of the relationships, et cetera, et cetera. And that's why." She stumbles over a thought - why do you bother - recovering swiftly with: "Why me?"

No, that was not much better.

Garnet does not answer. Pearl has no tea to pointlessly stir. There's your truth: there is no reason. It makes Pearl want to sink into the sands, or run across the sea and maybe burn herself in the sun.

"I just do," Garnet says, when Pearl tugs at her hand to free it. Garnet doesn't let go. Instead she tugs more forcefully as she stands up, catching Pearl and wrapping her in a hug.

"Have some faith in me," Garnet whispers, cheek resting in Pearl's hair.

"I don't really know how a love fusion works," Pearl says.

"It's less about thinking and more about being. And this being wants to be with you."

Pearl feels herself melting into the embrace. It's always so easy, especially when she hears Garnet's heartbeat. "Have some faith in me," Garnet pleads again.

Pearl looks up. She can't see Garnet's eyes so well through the shades. So she takes them off, sliding the sides gently from Garnet's face. Garnet sweeps her up and she lets go of the sunglasses to wrap her hands around Garnet's neck. Garnet lets her lead.

Pearl doesn't opt for a kiss. She opts for this long stretch of quiet where she is held by someone who is trying to teach her how to love. Maybe love is nothing more than the happiness to know that the other is alive, that daily relief that most beings take for granted.

"I could unfuse," Garnet offers. "You could talk to them," she says.

Pearl shakes her head. "No. Ruby and Sapphire are meant to stay together. But I'll need some time. Time that we might not have."

"I enjoy what we have," Garnet mutters.

Hours later, Pearl forgets to pick up the shades when they trudge back into the house in the dead of the night.

/**/

The whole idea of loving for no definable reason is strange to Pearl. It doesn't make any sense. She wants Garnet to explain, properly, with words. Actions are hard to understand.

Maybe the question is wrong. Maybe she should ask, 'what is it about me that you like?'

But listing the _whats_ doesn't really explain the _whys_.

Maybe it's her who has always been wrong about reasons for love. She'd always loved the safety she felt around both women, Rose and Garnet. She always loved spending time with Garnet, not talking, just being with her - and her help around the house, running after Steven, mediating fights, that smug grin. And then she realizes, that behind the question 'why do I love her' - her answer led to another question: _why do I love these things about her?_

This is fast becoming a semantic joke, or the beginnings of a realization that shouldn't take thousands of years in the making.

Ugh, words. They fall apart in her mind. They've been falling apart for a long time now, maybe. What's left when they're all gone? Can she still explain herself? Can she still understand herself?

Maybe she'd always loved Garnet for a reason she couldn't really explain either.

_Have some faith in me._

She needs a mission, to take it all out on.

_/**/_

_physical configuration_

Amethyst snaps Pearl out of this odd haze she's fallen in. The cool kids and the gems have a picnic, high above the town - they've been doing this for a while now since their impromptu photo op - and Amethyst has this thousand mile stare that is utterly unlike her. With Garnet listening to Greg, Steven messing around with glow sticks (Pearl can hear the Mayor's son arguing that glow sticks should find a way to glow in the light, and Pearl struggles not to explain to him why it isn't possible) - this leaves her and Amethyst watching over the kids, in a way. Which is wrong, because it should be _her _fussing over the humans and Amethyst and Steven, not Amethyst watching them pensively when she's not a million miles away, figuratively speaking.

Pearl realizes what an opportunity it is and returns Amethyst's greeting from last time: "Earth to Amethyst?"

"Woah, Pearl. Y'can't go around startling me like that!"

She sits next to Amethyst on the plastic picnic mat. It's a day like the one they spent for her birthday.

"What's with that face?"

"Sometimes y'gotta just take it easy, y'know?"

Pearl recognizes that tactic. The human word for it is deflecting. And every time they've tried to talk about... _stuff_... it frequently ends badly. Sidestepping is the less destructive path for both of them.

"Does it have something to do with me?"

Pearl winces. Why'd she say _that_?

"No, Pearl. Not everything revolves around you."

"Steven?"

Amethyst eyerolls, but for a split second it stops on Greg and Garnet.

"They're getting along much better, aren't they?" Pearl's gaze falls on them as well.

"Surprised yer not jealous," Amethyst says, then puts a hand to her mouth in shock.

Pearl takes a moment to process all the information. "You know about Garnet and I."

"I'm not blind, or a kid, y'know. But yeah, I get it, Amethyst won't notice cos she's stupid, anyway."

"You're not the stupid one," Pearl says. "That's more me and Garnet." Amethyst stares. "We haven't really figured out what to say or how to tell you guys."

"You don't have to make a diagram out of what you guys are doing. A simple 'we're banging behind your backs' is fine. Please. I don't want a whiteboard picture. I just wanted to know. Y'know?"

Pearl laughs. Banging. Human fusion. "We aren't... banging."

On a normal day, Amethyst's expressions would be exaggerated to freak her audiences out (or exasperate Pearl). But this whole mouth-hanging-out routine is the real deal, and knowing that makes Pearl laugh.

"You really need to explain this. Like, right now. Have you not seen the way Garnet stares at your nonexistent butt?"

"I would need an eye at the back of my head to see that," Pearl says thoughtfully. "Or, my neck would have to shapeshift to allow for one-hundred-eighty degree rotation."

"Dammit, Pearl! Don't get all fresh with me like that. That's my job. This is too weird. Is this an alternate dimension? Did one our relics freak out?"

They look at each other, and then they laugh. Mostly to rearrange the universe and reassure themselves that the world isn't entirely out of whack.

"It's freakin' me out," Amethyst says. "This whole thing."

In a rare flash of insight, Pearl knows what to do. Considering that she's been drowning and flailing in the waters of doubt, this feels like she's finally surfaced for a gulp of air.

She puts a hand on Amethyst's shoulder. "We're still a team," she says.

"I know," Amethyst says, but the younger gem is blushing.

The kids keep playing all throughout the sunset. Something about school being out, and everyone being off shift. Pearl and Amethyst watch the sun sink.

The first thing Amethyst says after the whole _we-hope-you're-cool-with-us-dating _issue is: "Who confessed?"

"Ergh," Pearl says. "I'm not actually sure. But I took her out on a date first!"

"How'd that go?"

"She told me she wasn't Rose."

Amethyst guffaws, which is far more like Amethyst. Pearl smiles. "God, I would have _paid _to watch that on television. Someone needs to send a script to the networks. Interstellar rebel soldiers falling in love while hiding out in a sleepy town. No one suspects." She accentuates each story beat with her expressions, clenching her fists, furrowing her brow, widening her eyes as she says 'no one suspects'.

"I'm sorry we didn't talk about it with you. And Steven. Although I don't know if he's old enough."

"Eh. S'ooooohkay I guess. Sounds like you guys aren't even, like, really used to this whole thing."

"No," Pearl mutters. "We are not used to this whole thing. I am not used to this whole thing. I wonder if I will ever get used to this thing. It's strange to attribute importance to human fusion. But it isn't the physical configuration that bothers me, really. Just that I've never really... opened up in that way."

Eyebrow raised, Amethyst looks as though Pearl's words have flown way over her. "So uh, it's less about the sex and more about the love."

"Maybe." Actually, yes, Pearl thinks. It's never been about the sex. It's more about Garnet actually liking her so much that it's crossed into love and Pearl has no idea how to hold in all the things Garnet wants to give her. Has no idea how to give love back.

"Woah. Heavy stuff, P. Yeah, can't imagine it's easy to just let go after like, thousands of years of uptightness."

"Har, har," Pearl says. She's given Amethyst one thorn among the brambles that grow in her head.

"Y'gotta trust her, maybe? I dunno."

"And what if I never let go in that way?"

"Then Garnet's gonna need more solo time," Amethyst mutters, then makes a face. "Oh gross. I actually don't want to think about that. Gross. Yuck. Let's not talk about this, ever."

The stars are out, the kids have made an evening barbecue, and the cliff is littered with glowsticks that rival the light of the stars. It makes for feeble lighting, but the humans watch entranced, anyway, as the grass and the rocks light up.

"Thanks, Amethyst," Pearl murmurs, looking at the cliff all lit up, and then the town below.

"Yuck," Amethyst says, running to the barbecue.

_What short insignificant lives humans live,_ she once thought. But then, she thinks of herself, and the long insignificant life she's lived - not that much different, really. Behind her she hears Garnet approach.

"Everything alright?"

She stands up and kisses Garnet on the lips, just a peck, a quick tiptoe and she's back on the ground. "Let's go," she says. "Steven won't start without us."

/**/

In the end, it doesn't take as long a time as Pearl thinks it will. She simply lets it happen, one evening after a mission. The relief she feels that everyone has gotten through the warp pad just hits her suddenly as they collapse into the house. That Garnet also falls on her (and causes her to roll down the stairs) might also have contributed. Either way, she mumbles something about hoping to see Garnet at the lighthouse later tonight. For what, she isn't sure herself.

She waits with the stars, on the roof of the lighthouse. Once, she looked up at the sky and wondered if she'd ever get to walk the cosmos again. Now, she's just glad to be on solid ground with everyone.

She's joined by Garnet, whom she hears climbing up the brick. Where Garnet sits cross-legged, Pearl folds her knees to her chest.

With both of them seated, Pearl starts to inspect Garnet's fingers. "Okay," she mutters, running her fingers through Garnet's. "Ten fingers, neither gem cracked... your legs look okay... I want to see your toes wiggling."

"I'm fine," Garnet says, though she doesn't pull away. Instead she interlaces their fingers together, a familiar gesture to them both.

"Just making sure."

"You're inspecting me like I'm a child."

"You can get carried away."

"And you don't?"

"I didn't do a lot of the heavy lifting this time," Pearl says.

"Either way. May _I _fuss over you?"

Pearl nods; that intense gaze that Garnet levels at her makes talking hard. She doesn't know when it started, but it's become a habit, in the months they've been together, for her to sit on Garnet's lap, for Garnet to hold her, for this bubble to wrap up around them, where neither time nor sadness can penetrate.

And in the months since that night, Garnet has never gone any further than what Pearl is comfortable with. Head rested on Garnet's shoulder, her lips are so close to Garnet's neck.

"Have I done something?"

Pearl blinks. She's crying, and the tears are leaking out onto Garnet's shoulder.

"I'm just glad you're alright." Garnet's hold on her tightens.

"Me too. On your end."

Pearl sits up, shifting around till Garnet is forced to change how she sits. Pearl straddles her and pushes her down, kissing her more forcefully than she has before. Something's filling her up, something warm that tingles her fingers, a something that grows as she feels the solidity of Garnet's body. She presses down on Garnet, her hands searching for something she doesn't know, her lips hot on her partner's. She can hear them filling the night air with smacks and the sound of heavy breathing - she should care, but finds that she doesn't.

"Is this fine?" she whispers, drawing away. She does not often lead, and not this wildly.

Below her, shades askew, Garnet smiles. "Very much so." Her fingers land on Pearl's cheek, her thumb wiping the last traces of water from Pearl's face.

In reply, Pearl fixes Garnet's shades, blushing in the dark.

After more kissing and touching, she draws back for a moment. She's too hot, somehow, too full of want and electricity to hold back. In the past it was easier to hold back and just slow down to a cuddle but tonight - tonight there's too much life in both of them to waste. That's it. That's what she feels, the warmth inside her, and even the wetness down there - she's alive, really and truly, and she wants to share that joy with Garnet.

And maybe she wants to be the reason for Garnet's own helpless joy. It would be a fitting gift. Return all of the taller gem's affections, if she could.

She plays with the hem of Garnet's shirt, not sure how to say what she wants. So she tugs at it. "Garnet," she mutters, and stops.

"Are we going to give the stars a free show tonight?"

Pearl snorts and punches her in the shoulder.

"Let's go back to my room."

_/**/_

_starwalker's birthday_

_/**/_

Pearl's been renovating her place for a while now. The result is this: the two of them lying on her four poster bed, water falling around them instead of drapes. Below the bed, their floor is a flat, smooth platform, tapering smoothly in the center downwards to a single column, which holds up the structure. It's stable enough. Apart from the water drapes on their bed, curtains of water fall in layers from higher platforms, wrapping them in layers of water till no one - certainly no stray child - will see.

This isn't about either of them leading. They've both never done _this_, after all (and Garnet is ticklish), so a good amount of the evening goes to finding out what they like and what they don't. Pearl finds herself helpless in this, this act of opening up for Garnet. She's surrendering herself but it's not a war. It feels like she's winning a race, but this isn't a competition. She's losing herself, or maybe rising above the waters she's always been submerged under. She's helpless against the tangible feel of her lover's tongue lapping her up. She's coming apart in Garnet's hands, and there is no one else she would trust to pick up the pieces of herself but Garnet.

She blinks like she's been blind for thousands of years. She hears as though the world has been on mute till now. She can't stop breathing, can't control it, as though she's been born a human.

Garnet hovers over her. She pulls Garnet down to her, feeling Garnet's body shudder with life, the rhythm of Garnet's heartbeat, singing blood and straining muscles. She can hear it all. She can feel it all.

She licks her lover's fingers, their eyes never leaving the other.

"My turn," she whispers.

It feels like fusion. No, it feels like regeneration. Each time gems come back from being hurt or being apart, they're never quite the same. Burying herself in Garnet, she holds her lover in her hands. She must be very careful with what she's been given, pay attention to what Garnet feels. And so she dives, in the strangest fusion she's ever tried, in a dance without a form or a function but the expression of happiness.

What she's saying is: I'm happy you're alive.

_/**/_

_"Garnet," Pearl says, "I love you."_

_"Oh Pearl," Garnet replies, "I know you do. And I love you, too."_

_/**/_

**fin**

_/**/_

_A heart glows in the night, in the day hearts turn to dust__  
__Say it and mean it, so this heart learns to trust_

_\- Learn to Trust, Bad Suns_

* * *

This story is an edited version of the raw posted at sukinkmeme at dreamwidth, working title 'starwalker.'

Any and all comments are deeply appreciated. My askbox is always open at my tumblr, ateliersockpuppet.


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